Jokes

[Eddy722]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes- Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And whats your wish, genie?” the husband said.

"Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? Thats amazing."

[Eddy722]

I WONDER IF THIS STORY IS TRUE???

You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding

that

took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper

and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300

guests...

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a

microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone

for

coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the brides and his family and to thank

his

new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone

a

special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyones chair,

including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift

for

everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex

with

the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier

and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just

watching the guests reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to

the

best man and said, "F--- you". Then he turned to his bride and said,

"F---you".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "Im outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after

finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade,

as if

nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the brides parents pay over $32,000 for a 300

guest

wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the brides and best

mans reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think he might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of

this?:

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends ..

$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ... $3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui ... $8,500.

The look on everyones face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride

humping the best man..........Priceless.

There are some things money cant buy, for everything else theres

MASTERCARD

[Eddy722]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could

live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go

to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten

apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to

shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your

face or youll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out

in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the

king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this

should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one

asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The

second one replied, I couldnt help it, I saw the third guy

coming with pineapples.

Somehow I knew that was coming at the end.

[lovellsz]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[lovellsz]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[lovellsz]

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

[lovellsz]

Did you know that Chuck Norris has the ability to turn fruits into vegetables?

All he has to do is roundhouse kick one faggot in the side of the head to paralyze him for life.

[lovellsz]

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire

[lovellsz]

A man walks up to a farmers house and knocks on the door.

When a woman opens the door, the man asks if she knows how to have sex. Not amused, she slams the door.

Again, the man knocks, and again, asks the same question. Still now amused, she screams at the man to go away.

Later, she tells her husband of the incident.

He offersto stay home the following day, just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returns. The husband hides with his gun while the lasy answers the door.

She is asked again if she knows how to have sex.

She answers "Yes."

The man replies, "Great! Give some to your husband next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife."

[lovellsz]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."