lovellsz Posted July 1, 2007 Report Share Posted July 1, 2007 Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you'rebeing discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound judgment and that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" RF Punch 40x2RF Punch 100x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 400x4JL Audio 10W7-3"but its only a 200 watt amp tho" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovellsz Posted July 1, 2007 Report Share Posted July 1, 2007 A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel performs here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have." RF Punch 40x2RF Punch 100x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 400x4JL Audio 10W7-3"but its only a 200 watt amp tho" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovellsz Posted July 1, 2007 Report Share Posted July 1, 2007 A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel performs here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have." RF Punch 40x2RF Punch 100x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 400x4JL Audio 10W7-3"but its only a 200 watt amp tho" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovellsz Posted July 1, 2007 Report Share Posted July 1, 2007 Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages. RF Punch 40x2RF Punch 100x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 400x4JL Audio 10W7-3"but its only a 200 watt amp tho" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovellsz Posted July 1, 2007 Report Share Posted July 1, 2007 top 20 signs your drunk..... 1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group. 7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case: coincidence?!? 8. Two hands and just one mouth, now that's a drinking problem. 9. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 10. You fall off the floor. 11. Hey, five beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive. 14. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober!!!" 15. Roseanne looks great. 16. You don't recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass. 17. That damned pink elephant followed you home again. 18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. 19. You've fallen and can't get up. 20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering. RF Punch 40x2RF Punch 100x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 400x4JL Audio 10W7-3"but its only a 200 watt amp tho" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovellsz Posted July 1, 2007 Report Share Posted July 1, 2007 A few alcohol warning labels i am sure some of yall havent seen... WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in your getting your ass kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy RF Punch 40x2RF Punch 100x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 400x4JL Audio 10W7-3"but its only a 200 watt amp tho" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovellsz Posted July 1, 2007 Report Share Posted July 1, 2007 A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. “What the hell was that for?” he asked. “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied. “But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.” “Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.” Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he begged. “Your horse called!” RF Punch 40x2RF Punch 100x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 400x4JL Audio 10W7-3"but its only a 200 watt amp tho" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovellsz Posted July 1, 2007 Report Share Posted July 1, 2007 Upon entering his daughter's room, Mr. Smith found a note on the bed and proceeded to read it. It stated the following: Dear Dad, I am sorry to have run away, but there is something I must tell you, and I couldn't bare to do it in person. I've decided to run away with Billy (my boyfriend I've been hiding from you and Mom), and we're going to get married. He promises to support me with the food stamps and goverment money he's been stashing away, but assures me there are always other ways to get money in a pinch. He also plans to help me with my alcohol problem, which I've done a pretty good job of hiding over the past year. We plan on raising our still unborn child in the best little beach shack we can find in Mexico - I'm sure it won't be much, but I know we'll be happy together so that's all that matters. I plan on getting there with the fake passport Billy was so kind to make for me. We just hope that he won't get put back into Rehab again for his drug abuse problems. I really wish you could meet him Daddy. He's so sweet! On my next birthday he's gonna take me down to this bar and get me a tattoo to match his! And for his birthday I hope I'll be able to afford to get him some dental work, so that maybe he can have all of his teeth when he smiles even though I think the gap is kind of cute. Well, wish us luck! Love you, Your little girl P.S. I actually just got an F on my report card, but it could be a lot worse, right? I'm over at my friend Ashley's house. Come get me when you calm down. RF Punch 40x2RF Punch 100x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 400x4JL Audio 10W7-3"but its only a 200 watt amp tho" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovellsz Posted July 1, 2007 Report Share Posted July 1, 2007 After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month." "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust." RF Punch 40x2RF Punch 100x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 400x4JL Audio 10W7-3"but its only a 200 watt amp tho" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovellsz Posted July 1, 2007 Report Share Posted July 1, 2007 During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer." RF Punch 40x2RF Punch 100x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 200x2RF Punch 400x4JL Audio 10W7-3"but its only a 200 watt amp tho" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.