Jokes

[lovellsz]

for the record i dont think this is racist if someone does pm me and i will remove this joke.

Top 10 reasons why Black can't be in nascar

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - Can't wear helmet sideways.

AND THE #ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

# 1 - When they crash their cars, they bail out and run like hell!!!

[lovellsz]

Ten Reasons Men prefer guns to women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[lovellsz]

Top 10 rejected V-day cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk

But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow

Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store

In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right

I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class

Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished

But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass

Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie

I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny

So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister

You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[lovellsz]

Dirty things you can say on Thanksgiving and get away with it.

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready

[lovellsz]

There was 3 astronunts an American, a Russian, and a Blonde.

The american said "Yea, we were the first people to the moon."

The Russian says, "Yea, well we will be the first to visit mars."

and the Blonde says, "Yea well, we will be the first to visit the sun."

The American and Russian said, "but you will burn up if you go to the sun!"

The blonde cooly replied, "Duh thats why we are going at night!"

[lovellsz]

An Australian man wanted to buy a new fantastic horse that would wiin him the Melbourne Cup in the coming year. He had heard from his friends that there lived a man in the mountains of Italy who bred the best racehorses in the world. So the Australian travelled to the mountains of Italy to find the man who bred such fantastic racehorses.

Upon arrival, the Australian came across an Italian local tending to his horse.

The Australian asked him "Are you the man who breeds and sells racehorses?". The Italian replied, in his accent, "Yes I do". The Australian said "I wish to purchase your very best racehorse that will win me the Melbourne Cup in Australia next year". The Italian said "Come with me".

So the Australian man followed the Italian into the mountains to an area where there were many many horses. The horses were beautiful and strong. But the Italian man kept on walking right past them all, until he finally stopped at the most scrawny-looking, pathetic donkey in the entire area.

The Italian said "This horse is a fantastic horse, and he will win you any race! All you have to do is say "Mamma Mia!" and he will run like the wind! Then you say "Ferma!" and he will stop immediately".

The Australian was very skeptical about this hopelessly-lokking animal, so he decided to take the horse for a test run. He climbed onto the horse and said "Mamma Mia". The horse started trotting. Then he said "Mamma Mia". The horse got faster. "Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia!!" the Australian exclaimed. The horse was running faster than he had ever seen a horse run before! The man shouted out "Ferma!!" and the horse stopped right away, no delay.

The Australian thought this was too good to be true, so he decided to try again. "Mamma Mia". Again the horse began trotting along. "Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia". The horse got faster. "Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia!!". The horse was racing along! Little did the Australian realise that he was coming to the edge of a cliff!!

"FERMA!!" The Australian was screaming!

And the horse stopped, right on the edge of the cliff.

The Australian wiped his brow and said:

"Phew,

Mamma Mia!"

[lovellsz]

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.

The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

[lovellsz]

10 Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White people will not admit

1. Elvis is dead.

2. Jesus was not white.

3. Rap music is here to stay.

4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.

5. Skinny does not equal sexy.

6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.

7. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.

8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.

9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.

10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic people will not admit

1. Hickeys are not attractive.

2. Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate.

3. Jesus is not a name for your son.

4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.

5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.

6. 10 people to a car thats built for 5 is considered too many people.

7. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.

8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.

9. Mami, Papi, Mijo and Mija can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.

10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 Truths white and Hispanic people know but Black people will not admit

1. O.J. did it.

2. Tupac is dead.

3. Teeth shouldn't be decorated.

4. Weddings should start on time.

5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.

6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.

7. Red is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.

8. Church does not require expensive clothes.

9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.

10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

[lovellsz]

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:!

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[lovellsz]

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.

Bad: It's another man.

Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.

Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!