Jokes

[lovellsz]

A cop pulls a really nice red car over. He walks up to the window and sees this beautiful blonde. He asks for her drivers license. But she didn't know what that was nor where to keep it. So he told her and she gave it to him.

Then he asked for her registration, and again she had on idea what that was nor where they kept that. So he told her,and she found that and gave that to him. He told her that he would be right back and he walked back to his car.

He got on the radio to tell his friend about the blonde in the red car. His friend told him to give her stuff back and pull his pants down. All confused he walked over to the car and gave her stuff back, confused he pulled his pants down, she looked at him and said:

"Not another breathalizer test, I swear I haven't been drinking!"

[lovellsz]

There is a guy going up to the top of the Empire State building in the elevator. Only other person in the elevator is a lovely young woman.

As the elevator nears the top floor and just before the door opens they hear a loud SNAP. The cable appears to break and the elevator start plummeting towards disaster.

The pair of strangers look at each other with terror and form an intense emotional bond in an instant.

The young woman says: "Please, I've never been with a man. In the little time we have left, make me feel like a woman."

The man rips off his clothes, throws them on the floor, and says: "Here, fold these!"

[lovellsz]

These 2 little boys are sitting in the living room,watching TV with their parents.

The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward the stairs to the bedroom. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?"

The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs.

The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now,and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.

At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's room and shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother. "Come with me," he says, and the 2 little boys tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up, the older brother turns to the younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!!

[lovellsz]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up

leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his

apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely

filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the

bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears,

carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange

them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into

organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom

shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,

enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it

strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a

collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while,

she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he

romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so

overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more

heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive

guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,

gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her

eyes, and says,

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[lovellsz]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[lovellsz]

Gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it tain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

ok that should be enough for tonight, now come on guys i know you have to have a few jokes.

[Chris]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[lovellsz]

One day a young boy finds a condom on the floor. He brings is to his father and asks what is it. His father replies,"Oh, that's a twinkie. Son if you find anymore bring them to me and I'll give you a quarter.

The next week the little boy returned to his mother's house with a lot of quarters. His mother asks,"Where did you get all those quarters?" The little boy answered,"Daddy gave them to me for finding twinkies for him. But what he doesn't know is, before I gave Daddy the twinkies, I sucked all the cream filling out.

[lovellsz]

this boy had died and he went to heaven,he wanted to ask god a few questions and this is what he said to god ..

Boy: God how much is a million years to you?

God: 1 second.

Boy: wow, then how much is a billion dollars to you?

God: a penny

Boy: whoa, well god will you give me a penny

God: in a second

[lovellsz]

ok, there are 3 men waiting to confes their sins to a preist. The first man steps up to the preist and says " I killed my wife " and the preist says " You may drink the holy water and be free of your sins". So he drinks it and one of the other guys laughs and he says to him " whats so funny" and walks away. The second guy goes to the preist and says " I robbed a bank ". The preist says " You may drink the holy water and be free of your sins" and he drinks it and the third guy laughs. So he says to him " that isnt funny " and walks off. The third guy goes to the preist and says " I pissed in the holy water ".