Jokes

[BURRITO]

lovellsz, You got everyone @ my work straight bustin guts right now! keep em coming... LMFAO

[lovellsz]

i will see what else i can find, they are now hard to find any good ones, most of them are kinda corny so i am weeding them out

[Chris]

A gay man named Roger goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roger, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Roger is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Roger asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your as*hole is for."

[lovellsz]

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

[lovellsz]

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many

blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

[lovellsz]

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man, my lifesucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

"So," the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."

[lovellsz]

This man and his son went on a fishing trip out on the lake. After they had been out there a while, the dad reached in the cooler and pulled out a beer.

The son asked,"Daddy can i have a sip?"

The dad ask,"Can you touch you d*ck to your butthole?"

The son said, "No."

Later the dad pulled out a fatty and lit it up. The son asks, "Dad, can i have a hit?"

The dad asked, "Can you touch your d*ck to your butthole?"

The boy said, "No."

Later the son pulled out some homemade cookies, and the dad asked, "Son, hand me one of those cookies."

The boy asked, "Can you touch your d*ck to your butthole?"

The dad replied, "As a matter of fact i can."

The son said, "Good. Then go f*ck yourself, Granny made these cookies for me."

[lovellsz]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a on an airplane for a weekend flight for fun when suddenly they had engine problems.

The pilot tried as hard as he could 2 control the plane but he efforts didnt do anything.Finally he told every1 2 bail out and then he bailed out

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "Im a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son i have lived a long life and have experienced many things u deserve 2 take the parachute."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack."

[lovellsz]

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

[lovellsz]

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.