Jokes

[lovellsz]

Things Rednecks Will Never Say

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

Duct tape won't fix that.

Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

You can't feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

Wrestling's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my gut is too big?

I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, we don't need another dog.

Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

Spittin' is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Checkmate.

She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college team.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

You ALL.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

[lovellsz]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them

suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be

breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips

out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think

Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy and

follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he is dead."

There is a silence...followed by a gun shot.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

[lovellsz]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thosand times before.

She says, "Sit down, Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll

need

all your children's names."

"This one is my oldest; he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one, he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all the boys are all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their momma replies, "Well, yes -- it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy!' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."

[lovellsz]

one day roger was teaching his son how to pee correctly

"well son, im going to give yu the 5 easy steps to pee right.."

"1. Pull Out Your Equipment

2. Pull In Your Fore Skin

3. Pee

4. Push Your Fore Skin Back

5. Put Your Equipment Back"

One Day After A Hard Days Work Rogers Wife Notices There Son Has Been In The Bathroom For A Long Time

"ROGER!..What The Hell Is Your Son Doing In The Bathroom So Long?!"

"I Don't Know, Ill Check It Out"

He Goes Next To The Bathroom Door And Hears His Son Just Shouting "2,4,2,4!" [go back to the peeing instrutions if you need help]

[lovellsz]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[lovellsz]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor.

* I work at great depths.

* I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

* I do not get weekends or holidays off.

* I work in a damp environment.

* I work ina dark area with poor ventilation.

* I work in an area with high temperatures.

* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

The Penis

***

Dear Mr. Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the

arguments you have raised, the

administration rejects your request for the following

reasons:

* You do not work eight hours straight.

* You fall asleep after brief work periods.

* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

* You do not stay in your designated area and are

often seen visiting other locations.

* You do not take initiative.

* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to

start working.

* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of

your shift.

* You don't always observe necessary safety

regulations, such as wearing the correct

protective clothing.

* You will retire well before you are 65.

* You are unable to work double shifts.

* You sometimes leave your designated work area before

you have completed the

assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen

entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

[lovellsz]

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . ."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight".

At the dinner table Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army".

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[lovellsz]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a

letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept

with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted the pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and mostly without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

[lovellsz]

Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

© After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into

"The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even

remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly

optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a

strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10:You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of

flatulent entertainment, she's officially your

girlfriend.

11:It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12:Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13:Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14:Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.

Ever. Issue closed.

15:If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16:Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17:A man in the company of a hot, suggestively

dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18:Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just

greedy.

19:If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20:Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex

pending your response.

21:Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

( C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

© Another set and we can hit the showers!

22:Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23:Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24:The morning after you and a girl who was

formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken

monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25:It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is

not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26:Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27:The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28:There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men'sGymnastics. Ever.

29:Pull out

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

[lovellsz]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.

The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.

One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.

He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!