Jokes

[lovellsz]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

'Billy.'

'And what is your question, Billy?

'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

'Steve'

'And what is your question, Steve?'

'I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f... happened to Billy?'

[lovellsz]

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

[lovellsz]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...

but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll

give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

but the girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend

down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her

boyfriend...

so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up

the money very fast...

he won't even be able to get his pants down.

She agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to

call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what

happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters!"  :w00t:

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety

before agreeing to it, and getting screwed

[Eddy722]

All of those are really funny.  But where is the one about the farting in bed? Fart football i think it was. That one was funny.

[lovellsz]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Pokey]

damn...poor bastard

[Chode69]

All of those are really funny.  But where is the one about the farting in bed? Fart football i think it was. That one was funny.

FART FOOTBALL:

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,  "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,  "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,  tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"

[lovellsz]

i can dig up a few more jokes if ya like. I used to get em emailed to me everyday when i was in high school and i would print em all off and put em in a folder, if yall want some more i am sure i can dig up something funny.  :whistling:

[Bossmaan]

keep em coming man, they're hilarious.. $200 in quarters lmao

[BURRITO]

how do you identify Ronald Mcdonald @ a nude beach?