Jokes

[lovellsz]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed." She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him." She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall." She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she says softly as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies." The husband paused." The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car getting it on?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly."

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."

[lantusx]

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[lovellsz]

that one was good. heh

[Dale]

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE : Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS : George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLY : Me!

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?

BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

ALFRED : I get up early.

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?

STUDENT: Yes, sir.

TEACHER: And didn't i promise to punish you if you didn't?

STUDENT: Yes, sir,but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

TEACHER: Of course not.

HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

DON: I hope you didn't either.

GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

JUNIOR: Because of absence.

MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

FATHER : What's that?

TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.

SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."

ELLEN: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.

MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.

TEACHER: Toby, what are you doing under your desk?

TOBY: Didn't you tell us to read Dr.Jekyll and Hyde (hide)?

The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he snapped.

"Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" a voice shouted.

"Okay---you start."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?

SASHA: A new bike.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

VINCENT: One dollar.

TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

TEACHERS: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

TEACHER: Why are you late?

AMOS: I lost my quarter.

TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?

OLIVER: I was standing on it.

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.

"No."

"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

"No," she replied.

"Thank goodness!"

[Dale]

>>> >One morning the husband returns after several hours of

>>> >

>>> >fishing and decides to take a nap.

>>> >

>>> >Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides

>>> >

>>> >to take the boat out.

>>> >

>>> >She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads

>>> >

>>> >her book.

>>> >

>>> >Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up

>>> >

>>> >alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you

>>>doing?"

>>> >

>>> >"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that

>>> >

>>> >obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs

>>>her.

>>> >

>>> >"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

>>> >

>>> >"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know

>>> >

>>> >you could start at any moment.

>>> >

>>> >I'll have to take you in and write you up."

>>> >

>>> >" If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual

>>> >

>>> >assault," says the woman.

>>> >

>>> >"But I haven't even touched you," says the game

>>> >

>>> >warden.

>>> >

>>> >"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all

>>> >

>>> >I know you could start at any moment."

>>> >

>>> >"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[BassJunkie]

lmao those were pretty good

[lovellsz]

i liked the first set.

[Dale]

professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty.

he ask one of his new students to stand and....

Prof.: so you believe in God?

Student: absolutely, sir.

Prof.: is God good?

Student: sure.

Prof.: is God all-powerful?

Student: yes.

Prof.: my brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill, but God didn't. how is this God good then? Hmm?

Student: (student is silent)

Prof.: you can't answer can you? let's start again, young fella.. is God good?

Student: yes.

Prof.: is satan good?

Student: no.

Prof.: where does satan come from?

Student: from..... God.

Prof.: that's right.. tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student: yes.

Prof.: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? and God did make everything.. . correct?

Student: yes.

Prof.: so who created evil?

Student: (student does not answer)

Prof.: is there sickness, immorality? hatred? ugliness? all these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student: yes sir.

Prof.:

so, who created them?

Student: (student has no answer)

Prof.: science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me son... have you ever seen God?

Student: no, sir.

Prof.: tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student: no, sir.

Prof.: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? have

you ever had any sensory persception of God for that matter?

Student: no, sir. i'm afraid i haven't.

Prof.: yet you still believe in him?

Student: yes.

Prof.: according to emphirical, testable, demostrable, protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. what do you say to that, son?

Student: nothing. i only have my faith.

Prof.: yes, faith, and that is the problem science has.

Student: professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof.: yes.

Student: and is there such a thing as cold?

Prof.: yes.

Student: no sir. there isn't.

(the lecture theater becomes, very quite with this turned of events.)

Student: sir, you can have lots of heat even more heat, super heat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. but we don't have anything called cold. we can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. there is no such a thing as

cold. cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. we cannot measure cold. heat is energy.. . . cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(there is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre).

Student: what about darkness, professor? is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof.: yes. what is night if there isn't darkness?

Student: you're wrong again, sir. darkness is the absence of something. you can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light . . . . . but if you have no light constantly, you have

nothing and its called darkness isn't it . . . , if it were you, would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof.: so what is the point you are making, young man?

Student: sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof.: flawed? can you explain how?

Student: s i r, you are working on the premise of duality, you argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. you are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. sir, science can't even explain a thought. it uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. to view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorantof the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. . . . now tell me, professor. . . . . . . . do you teach us students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof.: if you are referring to the natural evolutionary processs, yes, of course, i do.

Student: have you ever observed evolution with our own eyes, sir?

Prof.: (the professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student: since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion sir? are you not a scientist but a preacher?

Narrator - class in an uproar

Student: is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

Prof.: (the class breaks out into laughter.)

Student: is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?...... no one appears to have done so... so, according to the established rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable, protocol, science

says that you have no brain, sir.

with due respect, sir. how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

Narrator: (the room is silent, the professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable. )

Prof.: i guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student: that is it sir... the link between man & God is FAITH. that is all that keep things moving & alive.

[Guest MegaloManiac]

So I was fucking this guy in the ass,really hard, and this guy comes up to me and asked me to squeeze his balls. I'm like dude, what a fag.

[Dale]

^^lol.