Jokes

[Pokey]

A young man goes to confession saying, "Father forgive me, I

have sinned with a young woman."

The Priest asks, "Was it Mary McCarthy?"

"No, father, its not for me to say," the man replies.

"Was it Rita Sanchez?"

"No, father, I can't tell you."

"Linda Torelli?"

"No, father, it wouldn't be right for me to mention any

names."

With this the priest tells him to sin no more and gives him

penance.

On the way out of the church, the man passes a friend, who

asks him what happened.

The young man says, "I got one rosary, two Our Fathers, and

three new leads"

[Chode69]

huh?? (last one)

[Pokey]

He went in to confess his sins to the priest (lying about them)...instead he really got some ho's names from the priest.

[Pokey]

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing

like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has

his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no,"

you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should

I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like

you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and

WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back

to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her

lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and

says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?"

asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your

husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing,

and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.

"That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and

swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

[lovellsz]

A man walks into a bar and sits down, noticing a very little man about a foot tall playing a tiny grand piano.

"That is amazing! How is that possible?" he questioned the bartender.

The bartender, poured the man a drink and said "Here, I rubbed the magic beer bottle and a genie popped out. He said he'd grant me one wish...and here this little guy is...playing away."

The man rubbed the bottle, and sure enough, a genie came out.

"I shall grant you any wish you want."

The man says "Wow...Ok. I wish I had a million bucks."

**POOF!!**

All of a sudden there are a million ducks everywhere!

The man says "What the hell? This isn't what I asked for!"

The bartender says, "Yeah, you're tellin me. You think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

[lovellsz]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[lovellsz]

A preschool teacher is having a lesson on colors. She has an intuitive curriculum, and wants to get her students thinking. She starts off saying, "I am thinking of a green vegetable. What is it?" A boy says "Brocolli" and the teacher says, "No, it was a green pepper. But it's good to see that you're thinking." Then she says, "I am now thinking of a yellow fruit. What is it?" A girl says "A lemon" and the teacher says, "No, it was a banana, but it's good to see that you're thinking." Dirty Ernie says, "I've got a good one, teach. What's in my pants, is long, hard, and has a pink end?" "ERNIE!!!" shrieks the teacher, "IT BETTER NOT BE WHAT I'M THINKING OF!!!" and Dirty Ernie says, "No, it's a pencil, but it's good to see that you're thinking."

[lovellsz]

Little Jonny loved playing games with his friends. One day Jonny runs as fast as he can inside to his mom, and asks "Mommy, Moomy can little girls get pregant?" His mom responded "No little girls can not get pregant." Little Jonny says "Now are you sure thet little hirls can't get pregant?" His Mommy again replies "No Jonny little girls CAN NOT get pregant." So after being told this little Jonny runs back outside, and His mom hears him yell to His friends, "Hey we can play that GAME again."

[lovellsz]

I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.  :ranting2:

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him saying hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?" to which she eplies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said, "No, I'm your son's English Teacher."

[lovellsz]

A little girl is riding her bike down the street whan a cop on a horse tells her to stop.. he says "did you get that bike from santa...? the little girl lsays "why yes i did.." the cop says " well next time ask santa to put a reflector on it!" he hands her a ticket. the little girl asks him a question " so did u get that horse from santa?" the cop chuckles and says " yes i did!" the little girl says "then next time you tell him that the dick belongs on the bottem of the horse not the top!"