FatBoy2 Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 I was reading some FuckMyLife's @ fmylife.com and a few were too good to pass up. So i had to show them to you. I know some of them have got to be fabricated, but no matter, they are still funny as hell. Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said "I don't know what you're talking about Megan". My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML Today, the girl I've loved for the past two years finally expressed her innermost feelings for me. After a brief make out session, she asked me to "never leave her side". When I got home, my mom told me that my dad got a new job. I'm moving to the other side of the globe in two weeks. FML Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i'm single. I've been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly ressembled the sounds my wife makes in bed. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML Today, it's my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to Itunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML Today, my wife went to the hospital because she had been gaining weight recently and had missed her period the last three months. We thought it was menopause. Turns out she's pregnant. I've been sterile since the day I was born. FML Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a "keeper", at which she laughed and said we were "just friends". I was going to propose to her next week. FML Today, I unexpectedly got my period at lacrosse practice. Our playing field is a 1/2 mile run away any bathrooms so I headed towards the woods with a tampon. Just as I was about to insert the tampon, the entire boys cross country team ran by... laughing. FML Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgewise for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told them "It was out of 50". It actually was. FML Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML Today, I was wearing my workout clothes that consist of short shorts and a tank top and was walking to my car. I then heard a bunch of men whistling and saying "Who's your daddy?" and "Why don't you come over here, cutie." As I got closer I realized that it was my dad and his friends. FML Today, my white mother in law called our house phone. Since I'm Chilean and have a fairly heavy accent, she mistook me for the cleaning lady and scolded me for answering the phone. Before I could correct her, she said "this is why only white people should be allowed in America" and hung up. FML Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML Today, my fiance's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. I'm a vegetarian. They had names. FML Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showed my dad who just laughed and said 'what, it's not like it's Harvard'. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn't even graduate from high school. FML Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML Today, my husband came home from work angry. He started yelling about how much he hates the neighbor's kids and that he never wants to have children. I was going to tell him I'm pregnant tonight. FML Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML Today, my dad told me he has been dating my boyfriend's mom while I was away at college. They have gotten pretty serious, and are thinking about getting married. I might be dating my stepbrother. FML Quote 1991 Chevrolet Camaro - 355ci, modded. H/U - Alpine CDE - 9846 Components - Rockford Fosgate P1462/P1692 Drivers - (soon to be) 2- AudioQ HDC315-a's. Amp - Audiopipe AP30001D. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sebasstian Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML this is not an FML lol its a "Dam good job son" Quote 12 RE audio X series 12's 4 gauge wiring to back batt (soon to be 0 gauge) 0 gauge from batt to amp kinetik 1800 in back clarion cx-200 HU SPL 3000 wired at 2 ohms 8 Re 6.5 full range speakers Re Xt 800.4 4 channel amplifier Autopager car alarm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FatBoy2 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FMLthis is not an FML lol its a "Dam good job son" Must be a mother... lol. I'd have him a trophy. Quote 1991 Chevrolet Camaro - 355ci, modded. H/U - Alpine CDE - 9846 Components - Rockford Fosgate P1462/P1692 Drivers - (soon to be) 2- AudioQ HDC315-a's. Amp - Audiopipe AP30001D. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigPimpin91 Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 13 weeks ago, I went to an Audio COmp in Columbus Ohio. Spent the previous night at a buddies house and we headed to the show the day after. On the way to the show 5th decided to disappear on me. Downshift and still have 4th. Upshift, still no 5th. Stop at a McDonalds. Go to leave, clanks 2nd real hard. Turn corner and aim for third, won't go in. Won't go in to any other gear either. Pull it into a Burger Kind parking lot literally 1 block from the show. Wrestle it into 1st, drive to the show. Demo the hell out of it all day. Trailer it back to Lima Ohio where it sits for several weeks. Tow-barred it 130miles @ 70MPH. SMFML Quote BigPimpin91's Banging Music Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
z71kris Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 (edited) I love fmylife, I read it daily at work.., also textsfromlastnight.com is good one too.. Edited November 22, 2009 by z71kris Quote 03 GMC Sierra Z71 Ext Cab l 2 15" American Bass XO's l 1 Lanzar HTG2600 l AudioVox 1510D In dash DVD l KnuKonceptz Wiring l Big Three Done with KnuKonceptz KLMX 1/0 l Infinity Reference 6022si 6-1/2" Front Door Speakers l Upgraded to 145A Alt from 105A Alt l Custom Box 2^3 under the rear bench with resined bottom, and about 4 lbs of polyfill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xX MocK Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 haha those were pretty funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikesmith0890 Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 13 weeks ago, I went to an Audio COmp in Columbus Ohio. Spent the previous night at a buddies house and we headed to the show the day after. On the way to the show 5th decided to disappear on me. Downshift and still have 4th. Upshift, still no 5th. Stop at a McDonalds. Go to leave, clanks 2nd real hard. Turn corner and aim for third, won't go in. Won't go in to any other gear either. Pull it into a Burger Kind parking lot literally 1 block from the show. Wrestle it into 1st, drive to the show. Demo the hell out of it all day. Trailer it back to Lima Ohio where it sits for several weeks. Tow-barred it 130miles @ 70MPH. SMFML similar problem with my tranny.. ended up being my bellhousing twisted and had 3 cracks in it.. one more than a foot long Quote AlphaDamp Sound Deadening CDL Mat - The best Vibration Damper Ever! I'd hit that so fucking hard whoever pulled me out would be King of England. Lol... looks like we were on the same page. Car-B-Ques suck.ya, tires and paint burning make the marshmallows taste funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justinlc3 Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Lmao. Those were pretty funny. Quote 2000 VW Jetta Pioneer headunit 1 Soundstream PC.6 6.5" component set 4 Pioneer TSA6984R 6x9 4 Selenium 6w4p 6" 2 15" Sundown Audio E's in 4 cubes @35hz Digital Designs CM1000 Rockford Fosgate Punch p400.4 Plans New Box New headunit New Amps R.I.P.1995 Chevy Blazer LS Rockford Fosgate headunit 2 Rockford Fosgate T1 6.5" 2 Rockford Fosgate T1 4x6 2 Rockford Fosgate T1 4" Hifonics Warrior hcx5.2c 4 Selenium 6w4p 6" 18" Mmats Juggernaut in 4.5 cubes @ 27hz Hifonics Brutus 1200 Rockford Fosgate Punch p400.4 Alpine 4 channel Optima Red Top Plans New Box New headunit New Amps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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