Advice About Warding Off Deprssion W/o Medical Help

[ISO]

I know this is a car audio forum but I don't keep people around anymore so this is my only outlet anymore.

My severe depresion has come back and its winning this time.

I have done the doctor thing on and off for years. I'm looking for advice from people that suffer from the some of the same issues and have gotten good results without medication.

50% of this is a substance abuse problem.

My depression is a long existing problem before substance abuse ever started.

I stay clean I get my depression back within a year, I stay fucked up well that pretty much makes depression worse.

I feel like I can't win for losing. I put myself in solitude to excape substance abuse(I thought I could run from them but that doesn't work and I know I can't run from my own demons but I figured I would try that before I ended up dead).

It worked for awhile but it seems like I always end up back around certain types of people.

For the last 6 months I have been changing for the worse again. People tell me I won't change untill I hit rock bottom. Rock bottom doesn't seem to exist for me I have ran after it to find it.

Comming close to death only phases a person for a short period of time. It did scare the shit out of me to the point were I fear death witch is a good thing.

I have lost almost everything atleast 2 times now and am working on a third time according to the way I have been the last 6 months. I guess the only thing I haven't done yet is live on the street or spent a decent strech in jail.

I am just a very very self destructive person and I won't change.(Self sabotage)

I know my attitude has gotten meaner on the forum towards people and in reality I'm having severe mood swings.(I starting to turn into a nut job)

I'm Legally on Xanax witch helps if I don't abuse it but I don't control myself with it. So I'm getting to the point of comming off of it cold turkey even though it will make really sick for a decent amount of time but I feel it has to go if I can't use it rite. I don't want to quit.

This isn't the whole storie but its starting to turn into a novel so I need to sum it up. I'm crashing and burning and want to quit but quitting is not an option.(not referring to drug use in this line)

I don't know if this is a good idea to put this out there for public knowledge in fact it kinda scares me to do so but I seem to destroy everything else,so I guess destroying my online image might not be so bad. The worst thing that would probbly happen would me not being on the forum anymore.

I'm so self centered I don't take advice much anymore. People have told me I lack heart. I think a person needs heart to make it.

If anyone in power here doesn't feel this is needed here feel free to delete because I don't know what I'm looking for I just I won't make myself better and I'm tired of hurting the people that try to help me, even though its my destruction and pain it seems to inderectly really hurt the people that care about me.

Ramble,Ramble,Ramble,Ramble,

Edited July 24, 2008 by ISO

[trainman0978]

No matter what you are going through, either mentally and/or substance abuse , the thing is you are aware of what is going on. everyone who is depressed or hung up always has a moment of clarity like this every once in a while. The important thing to remember is that you are strong enough to face this, and strong enough and humble enough to ask for help, even if it is a internet forum. When you get depressed or need your taste of your weapon of choice, remember that you posted this thread, remember that you want to change and overcome this. these kinds of thoughts will certainly help with trying to stay focused and get your thoughts positive. drug abuse is a powerful and challenging problem to overcome, and it is only compounded with other things going wrong in your life. Some of things things you get depressed about may be the result of over use of drugs, which created more shit for you to have to cope with. It sucks, man. I know . many folks on here do too. Life is a thing that will make you just shake your head and want to give up on sometimes. You have to remain steadfast with the fact that you do have good days, and that there are days when you just don't want to get high. Use the image or memory of those days to help you out of the slump... Find anything to stay positive about , and immerse your self in it. Anything to keep you from beating you self up in your head. We are all our own worst critics sometimes, and self criticism can lead you to doubt yourself , and eventually to just not caring or trying at anything you want or need to accomplish. This is dangerous , as you clearly know by now.

If you need to start seeing a doctor again , then do it. If you think you need to find a peer group then do it. Find someone to lean on, find someone you can trust to help you out when you feel like you are losing your grip on your day. Do whatever you have too, there is way too much to feel good about , compared to the things that make you want to just say "fuck it" ... Even if you have the money problems, relationship problems, job problems, social interaction problems, all of which can be solved. If nothing else be happy that you have " web friends" to talk to at pretty much any hour of the day. I really hope you have some one in your family or social circle you can look to for support, some one you trust completely that you can open up to.

No matter what you can not give up, and you cannot decide that you are gonna quit trying to be happy, you cannot decide that you are gonna quit trying to not be addicted to drugs. You are not alone in the world, and there are people out there that love you, and that you probably love, that want nothing more than to see you happy and living well. trust me, if nothing else, wake up happy everyday. Learn to let things roll off and pass you by , instead of concentrating on what is wrong and getting angry or depressed. somethings that happen in the world happen no matter what you do. the only thing you can control is how you feel about yourself, and how you chose to handle the things in your life you are forced to deal with. No matter what the issue, try to consider logic before you let your emotions make up your mind. think first , then get happy or sad after you rationalize the situation from every angle. Emotion can make you sick, and you have to learn to control your thoughts , including the ones that make you depressed. Most of the time it is easier to just let go emotionally and handle the issue instead of emotionally reacting to a un emotional situation.

I hope I made some sense here.

Just try and make the most every day, and try to remember the people close to you only want the best for you, so there is no reason to close your self off from them.

[ISO]

Trainman when I saw you reading this I knew you would beable to give me good advice. I really appreciate it.

Emotions can make a person incredibly sick physicaly and mentally.

I keep wanting to be in control and need to let things go. I think you would agree that there is such thing as trying to hard or wanting to have total control and thats a hard thing to give up even though more often than not if a person gives up the control things seem to go better and run smoother.

This line is really good:

We are all our own worst critics sometimes, and self criticism can lead you to doubt yourself , and eventually to just not caring or trying at anything you want or need to accomplish. This is dangerous , as you clearly know by now.

I know I can't blame anyone else for my problems but myself. I still have a question along those lines.

Do you feel a child can be brain washed by being told the same thing over and over again and becuase a child doesn't understand how to deal with negativity that information can get lodged into the subconcience and as a result struggling with what was beat into that childs head. If so as the child gets older and understands it was just bullshit and not true about the child but as he gets older can't stop letting it get the best of the person.

EX: Every friday night going to the bar at age 11 with dad and his wife and them getting drunk and mostly her putting all of anger into the 11 year old child that doesn't now what he did wrong and in short usually it came down to I won't ever become anything and as this went on for years and I reconize it but still struggle at age 27.

I excell so well then I always destroy what I work for rite as everything starts going real well.

Even if I feel worthless I know I'm not worthless as I have learned that hatred geared towards me all those years was comming from someone that could not except their own flaws so they pushed them onto someone weeker.

I reconize a decent amount of my problems I just struggle like hell to change them.

Insanity: to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting diferent results.

If I'm not making much sense its becuase I haven't done much sleeping the last few days and am just really exhuasted.

Trainman I have read some of your stuff before and I'm glad your around.

[Beanz]

Really just be with the people that care about you.I mean my sister has depression but she's starting to over come it.I help out by just being there for her and she would have someone to talk to.I mean what you could do is like do something else that can keep your mind off of it.Excersice,do something to keep your mind off and do it with people that are positive in life not people that see liife is bad.That's what my sister was doing hangin out with people that werent being positive and that didnt help when she was with me cause im a positive person she was getting better at it.So just try and keep your head up man.i mean the past is that past jsut try and forget that i mean it must be hard to do it but all you can do is try and be postive in life.and like trainman said if you need to see a doc and you see that it will help you out then go for it.that's my 0.02

[ISO]

Thanks guys,

I gotta log off.

This not sleeping thing sucks so I gotta atleast find a movie and lay in bed.

It would be nice to sleep while its still dark out.

Good night guys.

[Jcoleman134]

Im really not the greatest person on giving advice but when ever your feeling down or something, find someone to talk to. Theres alot of good people on this forum that would hate to see a fellow bass head down. Wish you the best bro.

[Beanz]

Thanks guys,

I gotta log off.

This not sleeping thing sucks so I gotta atleast find a movie and lay in bed.

It would be nice to sleep while its still dark out.

Good night guys.

Well get sum zzzz like hella and taht should help out too but hey jsut keep your head up man and member us audio guys will be here for ya!!!!!I mean we like what you like so hey it's a good combo!!!

[trainman0978]

"Do you feel a child can be brain washed by being told the same thing over and over again and becuase a child doesn't understand how to deal with negativity that information can get lodged into the subconscious and as a result struggling with what was beat into that childs head. If so as the child gets older and understands it was just bullshit and not true about the child but as he gets older can't stop letting it get the best of the person."

Man, absolutely. I am sorry that you went through that. So many "baby boomers" of today ( our parents ) grew up with parents who came out of prohibition, and became alcoholics , to be blamed on the new " legalized liquor " of the time. Some say alcoholism is hereditary, I just don't know. Either way the abuse of alcohol, and people inability to control their emotion while intoxicated has left many people in our age group, along with our parents , scarred for life. Hell, we were watching a plastic surgery show a little while ago and there was a man on there in his 50s who has undergone over a dozen cosmetic procedures because his step-father told him he was ugly and would never be a man , since the man was three years old. This guy had pec implants, bicep implants, ab implants, face lifts, lipo procedures, everything to look like the trash male figure. Growing up in a toxic home is a really hard thing to overcome. My mother grew up in the home of two very , very consumed alcoholics. My mother is still dealing with those demons. Sometimes it has made my relationship with her very challenging. Growing up and being a child, I had no idea where her anger and depression came from sometimes, and I did not understand what was happening when I was " in trouble " , when sometimes I did nothing wrong. To this day, even knowing all that I know now, and growing up less than 10 miles from my grandfather, I have met the man twice in my entire life. I am now almost thirty. My g.f. , without going into details, grew up in a home with alcohol being used regularly. If there was ever someone who rose above it, and moved on from it, it is this girl. Never in my life have I met someone so intelligent, so wise, and so forgiving as this girl. She made a choice to look past what she grew up in, and has made it a point to never become the personality she saw intoxicated daily through out her life. You have to make the same decision in order to move forward. If you don't, chances are, you will truly become a product of your environment, and you will find yourself staring in the mirror one day and seeing the person you were raised by, and with all the same qualities. The choice is yours and yours alone. Growing up abused either verbally or physically is not fair, and no child should ever be the punching bag of someones tongue or fist, drunk or sober. You have to look at everything, try and understand why that person was a drunk, try and see who the man was in his daily life. You think you know, cause you grew up in his life, but, think about it? Do you know much about his life before you, do you know what kind of childhood he had, did he change jobs alot, did your parents have marital problems, were they heavy into debt?

I am not trying to validate his behavior in any way - There is no excuse for it. But if you want to learn to let go, if you want to be able to confront him, in a peaceful way, and if you want to forgive him in your mind and embrace what little bit of a relationship with him you have left, you are going to have to try and put yourself in his shoes. What happened in the past is over. You will never, EVER forget the past. Do not belittle it, or think it is in any way insignificant. In order to break free of the pain of it though , you are going to have to teach yourself , to train your mind into the mindset of that part of your life is done. He cannot hurt you anymore. He can say whatever the fuck he wants if he is still that way, and that will be his choice. The choice you can then make is to keep him out of your life in return. As a adult now, you are most likely not dependent on him for survival , so he really has no control over you or what you become. I have found as I got older, and started a life of my own, totally independent of my parents, I can allow them to know only what I choose about my life. You can do the same. I am not saying that you need to sit him down and make him explain his choices in raising you, but, if that is what you want, you certainly have the right to ask. However, do not get let down if he changes the subject or sidesteps the conversation in any way. If that happens, tell yourself his denial is enough of a sign of his regret. If he shows any sort of remorse, without giving an apology, then know he is still dealing with the mistakes he made with you, and just tell him you forgive him, and let it end like that. Start the friendship over right there. Move forward, forgiven and at peace with the things that went wrong , knowing they will never happen to you again. I know , I make it sound easy, and I know it is not that simple.

But what other choice do you have? Do you really want to stay pissed off and bruised, depressed and co dependent on prescription drugs forever? You have to face your past, and you have to realize that if you don't you will be on this rollercoaster ride of feelings and mood swings forever. That is not how our minds are designed to work. Mental health may be a fairly new term, but it has been a building block of our genetics from day one. You have to retrain your mind to think in a whole different way. You have to decide that what happened to you as a child, as a teen ager, as a adult today, won't be the things that destroy you. No matter what, you have to understand you are one person, raised by somebody that did or didn't do the best he could, and those things certainly had an effect on who you are right now, but they will not be tomorrow. Use your head for the purpose in which it was created - to think. to interpret the world around you so that you can make the most of it. Understand who you are, not what your anger and memories tell you that you should be. Never forget the past, just learn not to base every decision on the worst parts of it. I am not sure if I am getting this out right...

You are not your dad, and you are not worthless. you know this. He made his mistakes, and you have made yours, and you will certainly make a few more, just like him. Everybody has a past, and everybody has a future. Which one are going to wake up everyday and think about?

Edited July 24, 2008 by trainman0978

[Beanz]

trainman0978 you a good advice giver.Much respect!Reading your advice makes me think much more too.Like i said MUCH RESPECT!

[trainman0978]

thank you. We all have things we have to face, no matter how public or private. We all are wired the same way. Sometimes though, somebody figures out a way to repair a problem a little easier, so a "technical service bulletin" needs to be issued - which is all I am really doing I guess. I have sat through so many counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists and psychologists that I had to weed through all the crap and pick out what worked. that is all I am trying to pass along... hell, even i have my days when I just want to crawl in a hole and hide, but they are very rare now. One can never shut down every emotion all of the time, but you can learn to understand your emotions and rationally talk yourself through them and into a better mindset.