Jokes

[Chode69]

how do you identify Ronald Mcdonald @ a nude beach?

dunno....how?

[BURRITO]

how do you identify Ronald Mcdonald @ a nude beach?

dunno....how?

he's the guy with the sesame seed buns...  ;D

[lovellsz]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit**."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit**?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT**!!!"

[Chode69]

^^haha i remember that one...its a good en

[BURRITO]

damn! you guys are a tough crowd...                                                                              Theres a guy and his little dog, thats been stranded on a deserted island for 15+ years... after about the first five years or so the guy starts to get real hard up for sex (horny)! so now every day for the last ten years or so this guy has been chasing his little and now verry scared scruffy dog all around the island, trying to get some. so one day while he was chasing scruffy all around the island, he comes across a shipwreck on the beach... he runs over to the wreck and notices the most beatifull, naked, blonde woman he has ever seen laying next to the boat uncontious. he starts to give her cpr and revives her, as soon as the woman woke up she was so greatfull for the old mans help she tells him... "anything, anything @ all! i will do anything you want me to" "anything?" the old guy asks... "anything" she replies. so the guy walks up to this woman, and he then asks her..."can you please hold this dog down for me" 

[Chode69]

BWAHAHAHAAHAH^^^^  i have a bad habbit of thinking of the punchline and figuring out the joke when i read these type of jokes still funny though

[Chris]

Those are all friggin hilarious! especially yours burrito the dog one was crazy! heres another:  ;D

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.

But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.

I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either.

I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.

I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[lovellsz]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They

are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a

penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched with the tip

of my finger..." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy

water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever

had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies,

"Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one

girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!"

[lovellsz]

before you continue reading this remember this is just how the joke was emailed to me so it isnt anything personal just how the joke came to me.

Once upon a time John, and Pamela lived in canada.  His mother Jessica from America came to visit and she suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had onlymade her more curious.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered,"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Pamela and I are just roommates."

Than about 3 days later Jessica heads back to America.

About 4 days later, Pamela came to John saying,"Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose she took it do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear mother,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house,I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left back to America.

Love,

John.

Several days later, Joe received an email from his mother which

read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Pamela, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love,

Mom.

[lovellsz]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."