Jokes

[lovellsz]

A man walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, are you a betting man?", the bartender ponders for a moment and says, "I've been known to take a bet from time to time."

The man says, "Well, I'll bet you $200 that I can bite my right eye"

Thinking that this was ridiculous, the bartender agrees to the bet. Then man then takes out his glass eye and bites down on it.

"Oh, that's just horrible!" the bartender says, "but a bets a bet." and pays the man his money.

"Bartender," the man says, "I feel really bad about taking your money like that, how would you like to make another bet? I'll bet you $200 that i can bite my left ear!"

The bartender, a little leary this time, checks out the man's ear and decides there's no way he could pull off his right ear and agrees. The man then pulls out his false teeth and clamps his teeth down on his left ear lobe.

"Oh my God, that's horrible!" the bartender says, "but a bets a bet." and pays the man.

About a half hour later the man comes back up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, I feel really horrible about taking your $400 dollars like that. How would you like to win your money back and then some? I'll bet you $500 that if you put a beer mug at the end of the bar, that i can stand up on this barstool, spin it, and piss into that beer mug without missing a single drop!"

The bartender KNOWS that this isn't possible, so chuckling to himself, he agrees. Seconds later, the beer mug is at the end of the bar, the man is up on the bar stool spinning, and piss is flying EVERYWHERE. All over the bar, all over the bartenders face, in fact, everywhere but IN the beer mug!

"HA HA!" the bartender laughs, "that's 500 bucks you owe me!"

"Yes," says the man, "a bets a bet, i really thought I could do it..." The man pays the bartender and leaves.

The bartender is still laughing to himself as he's wiping his face and cleaning the bar. He notices a man who's sitting all alone in the corner with his head hung really low.

"Cheer up!" says the bartender "This is a lucky day! I just made all my money back AND another $100!"

"No, this is a horrible day for me" says the sad man, "That man that just left bet me $2000 that he could piss in your face and that you'd laugh"

[lovellsz]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid, " she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

[lovellsz]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 35, ' was the reply. 'I'm actually 47, ' the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.

He replied, 'Oh, you look about 29.' 'I am actually 47!' she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, 'I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.

But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age. 'There was no one around, so the woman said, 'What the hell?' and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, 'OK, You are 47.'Stunned, the woman said, 'That was brilliant! How did you do that?' The old man replied, 'I was behind you in line at McDonalds.'

[lovellsz]

A blonde and a brunette are near each other at the bar. They are watching the news and there is a man on the top of a building threatening to jump. The brunette gets the blonde's attention, lays a $20 bill on the bar and says, "I betcha he'll jump." So, the blonde says, "You're on. I bet he won't." Not even a couple moments later the man jumps. The blonde pushes the money back to the brunette and says, "I guess you win." The brunette laughs, pushes the money back and says, "I gotta be honest with you. I cheated. I saw this on the news earlier today." And the blonde says, "So, did I...but I didn't think he would do it again!!!"

[lovellsz]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[lovellsz]

The condom says to the tampon, "I hate you, every month you steal my business for an entire week." The tampon replies, "yeah but everytime you screw up I lose my job for 9 months!"

[lovellsz]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[lovellsz]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

[Chode69]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH these are fuckin CRACKING ME UP!!!

[Chris]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a Terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished Your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed The doctor snickered and said, "Just Fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"