Few Jokes

[mrwigglezdj]

There were 3 girls on a plane thats about to crash.

The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.

French girl opens her bra,"Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful tits.

"

The African removes her all her clothes and says "Fuck off, they all ways look for the black box first.

"

***************************

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

[mrwigglezdj]

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog.

"

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks.

When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me.

"

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor.

"

The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

***************************

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger.

"Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.

" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed

and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please.

"

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.

"

******************************

An old guy's car collides with a young guy's car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days.

"

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man's crazy.

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune.

"

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren't you having any?" asks the young guy.

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I'll wait for the police.

"

[littleitaly1990]

Last one is very funny...

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

In America anyone can become President. That's the problem.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

[mrwigglezdj]

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon, a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, but you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time.

"

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

*******************************************************

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.

"

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

"

"The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

"

"However, the third week was miserable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

"

"One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either.

"

The man guessed 2 this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.

"

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex.

"

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged...my wife won twice last week.

"

***************************************

One day two new members of a hunting lodge are introduced to the eldest hunter.

The first one says," tell us some of ur favorite hunting stories.

"

The old man says,"ok.

"

The old man starts, " well back in 1944 my friends and I went big game hunting.

Didnt have much luck at first, and while i was sitting by this tree...

I heard this noise and out of the bushes a big lion jumps out!"

Then he starts again," And roars at me like ROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRR!"

Then he says," Well I just shit my pants.

"

So the two new members say," Well I would shit my pants to if a lion jumped out.

"

The old man shakes his head and says,"No No No I just shit my pants when I said ROOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRR!"

[splzx3]

this just made my day...lol thanks bro keep then comeing

[fischy fisch]

hahah made my night plz keep them comming fucking funny as hell

[bossgator]

if quizzes are quizzical what are test?

[mrwigglezdj]

A guy can’t obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there’s nothing he can do unless he’s willing to try an experimental surgery.

The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.

She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

***********************************************

One day a dad is cooking some venisen for his family. After a while the kids start asking whats for dinner and he won’t tell them. When dinner is ready and everybody is at the table the kids still don’t know what there eating. The kids ask one more time and them the dad says "ok I’ll give u one hint, Your mom calls me this sometimes.

" Then the oldest boy screems "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, IT’S FUCKING DICK!!"

[bossgator]

dam lol.. ^^ i have some racist jokes but don't want anyone to get upset and start flaming if i say it so if you wanna hear it PM me.

[mrwigglezdj]

i hear enough of them from my dad, not my kind of thing to be honest...