Jokes

[lantusx]

Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.

[Chode69]

^^^HAHAHA

[Dale]

>Things people actually said in court, "word for word" & they are now

>published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while

>these exchanges were actually taking place !!!!

>

>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

>________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

>WITNESS: July 18th.

>ATTORNEY: What year?

>WITNESS: Every year.

>___________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

>____________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

>WITNESS: Yes.

>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

>WITNESS: I forget.

>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

>forgot?

>______________________________

>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

>WITNESS: Forty-five years.

>_____________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

>morning?

>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

>WITNESS: My name is Susan.

>__________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

>WITNESS: We both do.

>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

>WITNESS: We do.

>ATTORNEY: You do?

>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

>______________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

>sleep,

>he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

>____________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

>WI T NESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.

>____________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

>WITNESS: Would y ou repeat the question?

>___________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

>WITNESS: Yes.

>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

>WITNESS: Uh....

>________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

>WITNESS: Yes.

>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

>WITNESS: None.

>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

>____________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

>WITNESS: By death.

>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

>_____________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

>_____________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

>notice which I sent to your attorney?

>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

>____________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: Do ctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

>people?

>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

>___________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go

>to?

>

>WITNESS: Oral.

>____________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

>autopsy on him!

>____________________________

>

>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

>WITNESS: Huh?

>_____ _______________________

>

>And the best for last !!!

>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

>pulse?

>WITNESS: No.

>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

>WITNESS: No.

>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

>WITNESS: No.

>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible t hat the patient was alive when you

>began the autopsy?

>WITNESS: No.

>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

>WITNESS: Yes it is possible he was still alive and practicing law!

>

>

>

>========================================================

[Chode69]

New Drink

>

>

>A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.

>While they're sitting there having a good time together, she

>starts talking about this really great new drink.

>The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts

>trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives

>in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and

>puts the following items on the bar:

>A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

>The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman

>explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you

>drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink

>the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes

>for it.

>He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

>He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.

>He thinks........this is OK.

>Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

>In one second the sharp lime taste hits......At two seconds the

>Baileys curdles....At three seconds the salty, curdled taste &

>mucous-like consistency hits.....At four seconds it feels as if

>he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

>This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to

>disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

>When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,

>"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

>

>

>

>

> >

> > She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"

[1992Chevy K1500]

Wow, holy old thread!

I've got a few myself.

Note: These were copied from several different locations. Most are not mine, but one or two are.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was extremely upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Anyway, a new greater at Wal Mart who was retired from the Army had great people skills, but was always coming in 5/10/15/20/25 minutes late, every day. His boss finally talked with him. He said, "You have great people skills, but you're always coming in late. When you were in the Army, what did they say when you came in?"

He said, "They would say 'Good morning General. Would you like some coffee?'"

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."

The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

there are three types of people.

Those who can count, and those who can't.

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A US Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked, “Why?”

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

I have more, but didn't want to stretch this post too much. I've got approx. 24 pages saved in OpenOffice (the free-ware version of Microsoft Word) full of 'em.

Who wants more?

[pRoFsWiRlY]

Why do we drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why are they called apartments if they're all hooked together?

Why do doctors call it a practice?

Just some food for thought!

[1992Chevy K1500]

Here's a few more for laughs:

After meeting his daughter's new boyfriend, Joe took her aside & said, "I don't think he is a very nice guy."

She replied, "Oh but he is, right now he's doing 100 hours of Public Service."

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde woman replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success convincing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."

During a skydiving class of first-timers, one guy asked, "If my chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do I have until I hit the ground?"

The jumpmaster replied in perfect deadpan, "The rest of your life."

What's the last thing you want to hear when jumping out a plane (skydiving)?

Your instructor yelling, “I FORGOT TO CHECK YOUR PARACHUTE!"

[1992Chevy K1500]

Doesn't someone else have any jokes to post?

this will be my last post until someone else posts:

911 jokes: "How old is your 16 year old son?"

"The assailant was medium build with a beard, was he male or female?"

Redneck jokes: You're a redneck if you find a car while mowing the lawn.

You're a redneck if you own more than two talking fish.

Funny headlines: Cold snap linked to temperatures.

Study shows that people refuse to work after death.

Man struck by lightning faces battery charge.

Typhoon rips through cemetery, Hundreds dead.

Two sisters re-unite after 18 years at checkout counter.

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.

Local high school dropouts cut in half.

Stolen painting found by tree.

Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft.

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while.

Funny answering machine quotes: "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself."

Funny definitions: Optimist: Someone who, while falling from the Eiffel tower, says midway down, "I reckon I'm not injured yet!"

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses?

A: A Doyouthinkhesaurus.

There are these three guys one of them is smart, other two are stupid and there on the edge of a cliff. The smart one says " I read in a book that this cliff is magical whatever you say when you jump off it is what you turn into." So the smart guy jumps off and says eagle and he flys away. One of the dumb one said dog and dogs can't fly so he falls and dies. The other one starts running off the cliff, trips over a rock says cr@p and turns into cr@p.

That's all till someone else posts one or two jokes.

[00_XJ]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

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There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

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A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere."

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

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Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

[OrenB217]

Tiger Woods has a record setting 14 ho's in one

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stops after 3 Ho's

Octamom's secret husband has been revealed...its Tiger Woods

It takes tiger 20 strokes for 3 holes

idk i support tiger, but jokes are hilarious