Jokes

[Eddy722]

The one about the nun was

[Chode69]

HAHAHA CHRIS thats fucked up but fuckin hilarious...also the nun and the cheese sandwich killed me!!!

[Slinky]

these jokes are hilarious. my favorite is the penis one.

[lovellsz]

Womens Guide on how to treat Mr Penis.

1) You've got to "introduce" yourself to Mr. Penis. (example: "Hi, Im Shirley! Nice to meet ya big guy!") Don't dive on it like it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving crocodile! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2) When giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the mans eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle.

3) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're going to do if you move too far forward or back is rip Mr. Penis right off the mans crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action.

4)Hand Jobs-- Don't get nuts and pretend you're making beef jerky and try to rip the damn thing off. Nice even strokes are just fine.

5) Proper care of Mr. Penis-- Like any good tool you want to keep around for a while, you've got to take good care of it just as you do your dildo. Wash him off after and dry him gently. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7) Never ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice.

If you're a golfer, never use Mr. penis as a tee.

9) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful.

10)If you don't want Mr. Penis deep, don't say, " Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing...Drilling for oil?" Say, "Wow you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

REMEMBER: Mr. Penis is your friend.

[lovellsz]

A lady woke up during the night and saw that her husband was not in the bed beside her.

So, the woman searched around the house looking for him and found him sitting at the kitchen table staring folornly into a cup of coffee. He was deep in thought. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail"?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

[lovellsz]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Guest Nismofreak]

so fucken funny. How to treat mr penis is the best.

[lovellsz]

One year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week -- even though the Chemistry final was on Monday -- they decided to go up to New York and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back until early monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found the professor and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to New York for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time.

The professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

[lovellsz]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[lovellsz]

One day an alcoholic, a sexaholic, and a pothead went to hell. The devil said, "I'll make you a deal. You were addicted to these things in life, We'll see if you like it in the afterlife."

He took the alcoholic to the first room. It was filled with a never ending supply of every type of inebriating drink imaginable. The alcoholic thought he was in heaven. The devil said, "I'm locking you in here for three years!" And slammed the door closed.

The devil took the sexaholic to a second room. He flung open the door and the room was filled to the brim with beautiful virgins and sexy nymphomaniacs. The sexaholic walked in, eargerly anticipating what awaited him. The devil told him "I banish you here for three years!" He slammed and locked the door.

The devil took the pothead to the third and final room. The room was bursting with marijuana plants everywhere. The pothead ran in and the devil screamed after him, "I'll return in three years!" He locked the door.

After three years, the devil returned.

He walked up to the door and unlocked the alcoholic's room. The alcoholic burst out of the door and vomitted everywhere. "P--pppplease. I can't stop. There's too much!!" The devil laughed and shoved the man back in the room. "Haha! I'm locking you in here for all eternity!" He locked the door.

The devil walked up to the second door. There was a banging noise coming from within. The devil opened the door and the sexaholic came running out. "I can't take it! They won't stop coming after me! My dick's gonna fall off!" The devil laughed again and shoved the man back in the room. "Haha! Then, I banish you into this room for all eternity!" He locked the door.

The devil went to the third room and heard whimpers coming from within. He opened the door, and saw all of the marijuana growing, untouched. The devil walked in and looked around, finally he found the pothead on the floor in the fetal position rocking back and forth. "What's the matter?" The devil asked, "You don't like this room?"

The man looked up at him and said.. "This is hell right? If this place is all fire and brimstone, can't a man get a light?"