Dating a girl with a kid....

[David Bailey]

....can be difficult at times. So my girls kid just turned 6. He is a pretty cool little dude, but I can tell he isn't sure what to think about me. His dad is in the picture, and he and my girl split time and co-parent pretty good. I am just having a hard time knowing my boundaries. He has a good dad, so I am not trying to replace him or be a father figure whatsoever. But, it is hard to figure out how to goof off with him, or try to tell him he shouldn't do something he isn't supposed to do. I usually say, Aiden, listen to your mother". I have no kids myself, and at 37, I really don't want my own anyway. But last night, we were hanging with a friend of hers that has his own kids, and the difference between how he acts around her kid and how I act is obvious. He will straight up tell Aiden things like, "Don't interrupt, grown ups are talking. But since you did, what do you need"? He teaches him a lesson, and at the same time answers the kid. I would have just been like, "What's up dude"? I guess that is just me trying to get on Aiden's good side. Anyway, not sure where I am going with this, just had to vent a little bit, and maybe get some advise from others that have been in this same situation.

[Karkov]

Thanks for venting. Seems like you needed to and we are all ears. I have dated chicks with kids before as well, long term, short term, etc. BUT i really don't have an answer for you. I don't dare give advice and have it turn out badly for either your relationship or scar the kid. Sorry. I'm happy you entrusted us with such a question/task though, it's much appreciated.

[Colin - STAPUFT]

Hope all goes well in your situation and you guys can work through it and grow together.

I am not in your situation so I can't give advise. I do have a friend that was- he married a woman with a child. Her birth father was out of the picture but grandparents were not. Unfortunately things went bad south for him. He did act as the child's father and was a very good one until they began to undermine him and the marriage.

I have another friend that is married to a woman with two children that are not his birth children. All is going good for them. The difference (from what I can tell) is that the mother allows her husband to truly act as the child's father.

Tough spot for sure. Maybe some more guys can chime it.

[Keith77]

Its a tough situation for sure. I don't have kids either, Ive dated chicks with kids before and currently seeing someone with 3. Currently the one im seeing hasn't really brought her kids into the picture just to keep things between us. I met the kids just don't spent much time with them... From my own experience there is a line you don't want to cross and is different with every kid/parent. Maybe the best thing to do is sit and talk with your girl and try to figure out what is best for you to do..

[ROLEXrifleman]

LOL, I only laugh cause I went through this 10 years ago myself.

Let me start by explaining a few things.

1) The reason your girl's friend is acting more "parental" toward her son isn't because he is a parent himself it's because he isn't vested in a relationship with him and her like you are. You are still in the "treading lightly" phase as I call it, because you know your being judged on a different level by her and him. Your scared to say or do the wrong thing or "over step" your bounds because you A: don't know what your bound are and B: don't want to make them upset. Both perfectly logical.

2) You will never replace a child's parent. No matter how much of a shit bag or cuntress they may be they can not be replaced. the role of "step" parent holds it's own weight though and can be just as if not more influential.

3) Listen to your mother will only fly for so long. The kid is sizing you up, just cause you don't have kids "of your own" doesn't mean you don't have the tools already to be one or to parent someone else's. The key is DOES THE OTHER PERSON GIVE ME THE AUTONOMY TO BE A PARENT? You have to have a heart to hear with your girl, you need to know what she feels is your place in all this which leads me to my next point

4) What is your relationship with mom? Based on what you've mentioned and how you use the words "my girl" and "dating" instead of "girlfriend" I'm more inclined to believe this relationship isn't that old, less than a year maybe? I could be way off on that but that's what I'm getting. You need to get a base line on where you and her are at way b4 you try and bring her son into the mix. And don't forget, he's watching. And let me tell you at 6 they know a hell of a lot more than you think and see everything. Don't put the cart b4 the horse, know where your at with mom and find out where mom has you at with him. Mom will always hold the key to where your boundaries are with him, if you have mom's full trust you will have no boundaries.

5) Practice common sense. If it's wrong, call him out on it, if it's bad call him out on it. Your job isn't to be his friend, it's to be an influence, a role model. What you are is what you will teach him, it's only natural. You cannot be someone else. If your a shit bag it will come out, if your what every father's day card is written about it will come out. Take things as they come, remember how you were brought up, guess what... odds are if you had "good" parents you will follow if you didn't well...... it all falls back on what I said, you are who you are. And even that doesn't always hold true, I know a few guys who had great parents, they are major league assholes now.

In the end the first relationship you'll always have to insure remains solid is between you and his mom. Without her acceptance and trust you have nothing with him and only then can you begin to pave a road with him.

Good luck, it's tough place to be and a true test of character.

As for me, 10 years later my wife's 4 year old is now 14. And while she calls me by my 1st name still and has only told me she loves me a handful of times we both know that I am more of a father to her than the man who she shares her blood with. And let me tell you, "KNOWING" she loves me sees me more as a father is more important than hearing hollow words that are spoken as lip service.

BTW, people spend hundreds of dollars on the advice I just tossed your way. Hit the like button, it's a cheaper alternative

[David Bailey]

I would "double like" that if I could. Thank you sir, great info. And yes, she is my girlfriend (FB official), but we have only been dating for about 6 months.

[n1ghtsn1p3r]

Interesting timing. I've been thinking about this issue as well for the last few days.

I met a chick about a week ago and found out she has a kid (IDK the age, I think 8+). Normally, I am all like NOPE NOPE NOPE when I hear that they have a kid or kids, but I figured I would give this one a shot for fun. We met when I had to do some work on her car. She was following me around and talking to me constantly. She seemed to get really flirty around me and stuff, but I can't tell if she's just doing it out of desperation to find a "nice guy" or if she's just doing it to "use" me. We've been texting back and forth since then, but I've been too busy with work stuff (shorthanded right now) so I haven't had time to hang out or get to know her more. I did meet the kid, but it was only for a short time.

I'll definitely keep this advice in mind if something does develop.

[Dwn4BassAlan]

I'll give you the other side if I can, my parents divorced when I was 4 so I never knew my dad in the home. My mom remarried when I was about 12 and the guy seemed really nice the entire time he dated my mom, taught me how to surf, took me to all these concerts, and never tried to be the other half of the dad. He was just the fun part. Once he married her though, it all went downhill, he was a recovering alcoholic but something just snapped and he went off on my and my sister once, definitely over stepped his boundary, and my mom got pissed. Huge argument later mom kicks him out and the rest is history. I would say that as a kid I can only tell you that having a father figure was really the only thing I wanted, dad traveled for work so I saw him a few weekends out of the year at most. But if this kid already has an involved and caring dad I would try to be be more of the "chill guy" dad if that makes sense. I think that at this age, if you try to become too much of the father figure type the dad might start to notice and think you're trying to take over for him, even if you're not. I would suggest just being there to hang out with the kid, help with stuff, but maybe reinforce the ideas of his actual father, don;t try to make him like you more than his dad though, that's where the drama could come in.

So I'd play it safe you know? Be involved almost like an older brother type, that's what I would try to best describe it as.

[WastedTalent]

my advice? sit with the mom and dad, literally. Then, talk about where you are. Tell them that you're completely fine with whatever that you are fine with, but are uncomfortable as you're not sure what's cool and what's not. you don't want to be coming on too strong and not have their support. Trust me, nothing worse than "Go clean your room" and "No, you don't have the power to make me"... and the mom or whatnot doesn't support you. If there's back talk from the kid (doesn't seem like there is currently but could be in future), you gotta have their support to back you up. Obviously you won't (least I hope not) have him do anything crazy just cause.

[Keith77]

Rolex hit that one out of the park...

Everything I wanted to say just couldn't put it into words...