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Casparado

My girlfriend passed away. How do I listen to music again?

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Like the title says, the love of my life passed away on the morning of Dec 3rd. She was 33. She had been sick for a while. We knew back in September that she needed a transplant, but I didn't expect her to go downhill so quickly. FWIW she died peacefully in her sleep. 

Sorry for a heavy trip, but I'm heartbroken and I'm trying to figure out how to listen to the music she and I enjoyed together. I've been broken since she died. I haven't been able to do anything. Eating and sleeping are finally just starting to get back to some sort of semblance of normal. I still can't sleep in our bed; I sleep on the couch every night. I can't play PS4... I have no attention span... my thoughts always go to her. I can't listen to music without being an emotional wreck. The only solace I've found is with work and audio books on my time off... but I want to start listening to our beats again. 

I know this prolly sounds weird to anyone that hasn't lost a partner, but I've dealt with death before and this has broken me like I've never felt before. Anyone who has felt pain like this in their life... if you have any suggestions please I'm all ears. I know it just takes time, but I need help right now. 

 

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Sucks. I was married 20 years, and with the same lady, for 22. Movies, car rides, music, any and everything, had to do with her, some how. Time... time dude, .... Sorry its a shitter now, but, with time,...... everything changes. Keep your head up, dont talk to shadows in the dark to much, and keep on keeping on. 

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I'm sorry to hear about this bro. I wish I had something else to add, but really, it's just like Kyblack already said. Time. And it's not that it will get better.... But rather, it will get "different". 

I lost my father 43 years ago when I was only 11yo. I still freaking miss him nearly every day. But the "difference" is, I can talk about him without breaking down and losing it. And I promise that will happen for you too, in time. 

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47 minutes ago, Kyblack76 said:

Sucks. I was married 20 years, and with the same lady, for 22. Movies, car rides, music, any and everything, had to do with her, some how. Time... time dude, .... Sorry its a shitter now, but, with time,...... everything changes. Keep your head up, dont talk to shadows in the dark to much, and keep on keeping on. 

I know what you mean. She's everywhere in my life..... not a damn thing that doesn't have her all over it. I've been considering selling everything and leaving my old life behind but I think I might be jumping the gun. I'm not ready to say goodbye, even though I've already had to. I don't know what to do. I'm at such a loss here. 

 

You know, the way we first hooked up was from me making a "mix tape" for her. She thought it was so cute. She was a beautiful woman. When she was in the hospital she asked that I make a new mix tape for her. I put a song list together, but I never got the chance to give it to her. She actually asked that it were more of the music that I preferred.  She never got to listen to it.

They were all my favorite tracks. Now when I try to listen to them, I break down every time. 

Edited by Casparado

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Man that’s a hard one. I would probably not be able to handle it either. Loosing loved ones sucks. Haven’t lost a mate, but lots of close family members. Most recently a elderly neighbor lady. After her husband died a few years ago we kind of took her in and got really close with her. I felt like her husband would have wanted me to take care of her. I did my best but found out she drove her self to the hospital one night instead of asking us for help. She died in her car in the ER parking lot. They found her the next morning. Anyway, try to remember the music was special for you two. She would want you to listen to it and remember her and the happy times you had together. Try to think of it as brining you close to her. Yeah it is going to be hard and you will probably find yourself crying a lot! Stay strong though my heart goes out to you.

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man...sorry to hear that bro :(

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As others have said, time is the only cure, and while she will always hold a special place in your heart, something I could suggest is if possible get a pet. I have cats, and whenever I am down or really feeling bad, my cats always are there for me with a smile, a head bonk and purrs. A pet will never replace your love, but it can help in the grieving process. I am sorry for your loss and you will get through this.

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I lost my love of my life, the woman i was going to marry, to a drunk driver in 2010.  I know exactly what you're feeling right now.  I looked for her in every car that I saw that was her color and model.  I thought I'd see her walking past me or from a distance when I was out in public.  Every part of your being physically aches right now, but it does get easier.

 

I got so sick of people telling me that it gets easier, like there was no way they could understand the pain i felt.  Some of that was valid, the frustration, because there are people who have zero clue what it feels like.  But something I found was instead of focusing on the act of them telling me it will get easier was to focus on the place where it came from.  People aren't typically equipped with the coping mechanisms to help others when something like this happens, so the repeat the things they've heard before and that's usually, dont worry time heals all wounds, everything happens for a reason (and fuck everyone who told me that one), she would want you to keep going, etc.   People who tell you these things are doing it from a place of love and caring and the ones who are super close to you are in such a place of pain and confusion and desperation because they don't know what they can do to try to take this pain away from you.  I saw that pain on my dad's face, but din't realize it at the time (shit that made my eyes well up thinking about).  

 

Everything is going to suck.  and it's going to suck for a while.  it took me several years before i stopped crying about her.  i still have dreams about her where she seems so real and the interaction we have are so genuine it feels like she's reaching from the otherside.  I've woken up crying lots of times.  I had a dream about her earlier this week and that put me in a weird place in my head for a day or two, it still happens, but now i can cope.

 

The most important things for you to do right now are be with your friends and family.  I never would've made it through without my friend group and family to lean on.  If you don't have a lot of close, active friends in your life PLEASE seek counseling.  there are a lot of support groups and one on ones that you can find local to where you are. many of them free or covered by insurance.  You cannot and should not do this alone, this is not a weight that a person should feel like they have to bear on their own.  Fuck man, I'm here for you.  if you ever want to message me, for whatever reason dont think twice, just do it.  I'll make sure to check my messages here a few times a day from here on out if you feel like starting up a dialog.  

 

It does get easier, and it does get better.  It takes time, and that's the worst thing on this end of the tunnel, but there is light on the other end.  In the 9 years since my girl was taken from me I've had a lot of fun with friends, become closer with my family, met new people, and even gotten married to an amazing woman who knows my whole story and loves me unconditionally. 

 

As for listening to the music you shared and your sleeping arrangements, it might be a good time, for now at least, to find a new kind of music you can appreciate, one that you didnt have in common (man I sunk myself into dubstep for a couple years after Shelby passed, she would've hated it lol).  As far as your sleeping goes, if you have another bedroom in the house, try moving the bed there and making a space just for you.  at least for now.  I know motivation is hard to find right now, but shoot a text to a friend or family member and let them know you want help moving some stuff around, that will help you stick to it.

 

and find a routine, one that doesn't hurt you, and stick to it.  your routine will help you "Fake it til you make it"  I lived by that phrase.

 

You will pick the pieces of your life up.  You will get better. 

 

message me any time man.  if you want.

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On 12/19/2019 at 7:53 AM, all4spl said:

As others have said, time is the only cure, and while she will always hold a special place in your heart, something I could suggest is if possible get a pet. I have cats, and whenever I am down or really feeling bad, my cats always are there for me with a smile, a head bonk and purrs. A pet will never replace your love, but it can help in the grieving process. I am sorry for your loss and you will get through this.

this too.  I got a dog when I was at my loneliest.  I still have him.  that fucker has had a lot of tears in his fur.  and dammit he's a world class snuggler.  

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